Tuesday, April 27, 2010

On Miracles...

Foreward: An original story.

One day in the winter of 2009, Dorian Gray felt bored and decided to invite three men into his lavish mansion for a discussion about miracles.

In his attempt to stir discussion, Dorian Gray read to three powerful men a story regarding a chap named Jesus of Nazareth, the Jew who boldly commanded a paralytic to pick up his mat and go home
. One of these men was Jeebus Von Cristianus, a devout pious intellectual whose bloodline can be traced back to the order of Melchizedek. Von Cristianus practiced the Christian faith and was very familiar with the story. The second man was an Italian polymath widely published in scientific journals, regarded by some as a renaissance man. His name was Mr. Ricardianus Dawkinis, most often cited for his intellectual 'Jihad' against creationism.. The third man was Chakurino Typicalis, an average unassuming man who possessed a keen curiosity about nature and who on several occasions in his mediocre life wondered late at night about the etymology of the word "bullshit." These three men walked the hedonic treadmill very well.

Dorian Gray, like a lector, gracefully described the miraculous event from the Gospel of Luke.

As Dorian rendered the story, each man was enthralled by Dorian's beautiful, superb narration and could not evade the deep look of Dorian's eyes, the charm of his voice, the sweet imagery and it's supernatural implications; meanwhile each became enamored with the notion that someone could make a paralytic walk by using simple commands.

Once Dorian closed his recitation, all three men escaped from their state of bemusement and began discussing the plausibility of such event in history.

Jeebus Von Cristianus remarked for two hours on the divinity of Jesus, the omnipotent nature of the Holy Trinity, and the historic accuracy of Luke's Gospel. He added that miracles occur throughout scripture and serve a unique purpose-- mainly to show the sovereignty of God as well as His mercy towards mankind. Given his vast educational background and advanced understanding of physiology, Von Cristianus explained how Jesus' healing [was] "Instantaneous, complete, and permanent -- atrophied muscles [were] strengthened; fragile bones became like new joints and tendons became sturdy and mobile; his nervous system switched back on and became fully functional, neuron fibers that had long ago ceased to feel anything sprang instantly back to life; one moment useless extremities, the next perfect health; long useless arms and legs now picked up [a] mat and walked." He concluded with a sober note, “Unless one recognizes the power and sovereignty of Jesus and
His salvation, one is eternally condemned to death.”

Dorian was impressed by Jeebus Von Cristianus's explanation but was too preoccupied with the reflection of his own image on the mirror such that all he managed to retain from Von Cristianus's discourse were the phrases "beautiful, complete and permanent perfect legs."

Mr. Ricardianus Dawkinis countered with his unique interpretation centered on how the laws of nature govern our existence on earth. He elaborated on documented cases of conversion disorder which can naturally explain the cause of the man’s paralysis, “Before and after his encounter with Jesus, his central nervous system was intact. Theoretically, this poor man’s condition was caused by psychological conflict that converted into a physical representation – paralysis. His primary and secondary gains were keeping internal conflicts out of awareness and obtaining tangible benefits such as sympathy and the support of people, respectively. Loss of motor function would suggest central nervous system dysfunction, but [presumably] neurological damage was absent, making his symptoms clinically incompatible with known physiological mechanisms. Nevertheless pathogenic links between emotion and motor systems in the brain
do exist. Jesus of Nazareth through suggestion was able to access such links.” Dawkinis introduced the phenomenon of astasia-abasia into the discussion and emphasized the amazing power of suggestion in accessing the unconscious mind. After two hours, the Italian polymath ended his talk citing several studies from Neuroscience, Functional Neurology, and BMJ, and by urging the gentlemen to use PubMed Central.

Chakurino's vocabulary was not as extensive when compared to his peers and his intellectual prowess was average at best, but he wanted to share his thoughts on the matter. Chakurino had sat through 4 hours of discourse, quietly listening and gathering each argument and trying to follow the lines of reasoning. His attempt was an epic fail as he had become enraged at the arrogance and insolent certitude with which each man spoke. He said to them both in the spirit of T.S. Eliot, "For Christ's sake stick it up your ass."

Dorian smiled with a tinge of excitement, which irked all three men.

Chakurino Typicalis continued, "If the story of the Jew is true or not, it does not matter. It is pointless." Von Cristianus countered, "Blasphemy! You petty schmuck. Elaborate!"

"It doesn't matter for the reason that miracles are contrary to what we know about nature. But for all we know, they might not even be contrary to nature. Nature is a force we are still trying to understand. Why is it so hard to admit that we don't know? Jeebus, as a religious man you are naturally inclined to call it a 'miracle of god.' Mr. Ricardianus Dawkinis, you are prone to explain mystery through the best rational-empirical means. However, both of you fail royally because 1. You were not there, 2. You refuse to recognize both as plausible. This is the last time i partake of such intellectual masturbation in Dorian Gray's bull sessions." Mr. Dawkinis whispered, "Rubbish."

Von Cristianus was too distracted and overly engaged watching children play in the mansion's garden to gather a response; he stood and quietly walked towards the garden as if it were an altar, in entrance-procession fashion, with regional tumescence, like a modern priest… drooling.

Addendum: On April 1, 2010 scholars from Oral Roberts University and faculty members from Patriot University discovered that Kent Hovind is a distant descendant of Jeebus and that Richards Dawkins is the long-lost brother of Anton LaVey. It's a small world after all.


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